I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
