By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
