Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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