I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
