I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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