Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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