you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
