On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
