Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
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How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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