4 words: hood of his car
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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