dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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