Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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