every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I've blown a few things in my day
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
