I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
