I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
