Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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