half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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