i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
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We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
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On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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