i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
