I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
