Say something about gay babies.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
