i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
