Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
