I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
My bed smells like the plague
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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