You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize