I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
