Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
