I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
