I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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