I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
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