John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
