Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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