Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
