That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
