She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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