Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
