hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
