Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
