apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
