i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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