in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
