can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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