I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
