I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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