Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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