So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
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I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
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I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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