Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
