Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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