Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
