can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
