she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
