thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
