i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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