pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
