I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
