I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
