i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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