my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
