Someone shit on the floor
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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