It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
