I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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