yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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