farters have to be the big spoon...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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