the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
